Been a while
And I’d like to say it’s because things are going to so well. In fact, I will say that. Things are going well. I’m at day 91 of no gambling - a personal best! - and day 82 of no drinking - another personal best!
But, my sponsor is disappointed in me and has suggested in a nasty gram that I’m not doing all I can to work the program. But here’s my question: what if I’m working MY program, just no their program?
See, the reason I’m too busy to get to four meetings a week is that I’m working on creative projects that I’m excited about! I’m hanging out with family and friends! I’m gardening, which brings me immense joy! I’m working on freelance work which will help us get out from under some of these debts and open up a world of opportunity for me. I’m organizing and decorating my house, which makes me immensely happy.
So, something is working. And I like going to meetings, I do. But sometimes I like doing other positive stuff, as well. My sponsor cited that she missed her child’s baseball games and family functions to go to meetings. Good for her. To me, a meeting is not as important as time with loved ones. That’s just me.
But I’m learning there’s not a lot of room for personal interpretation in GA. It either is or it isn’t, and that’s great because it works for a lot of people. It even worked for me when I was a pile of anxiety and stress and sadness and despair. I ain’t knocking it, swear.
And, look, I’m under no illusion that I can ever gamble normally again. If I choose to go back into a casino, my life is going to quickly dissipate back down to where I was. I don’t want that.
But, But, BUT - the gambling was a symptom, I believe. A symptom of depression, of sadness, of hopelessness of a chronic hangover. I credit the not drinking with all of this new-found joy and excitement; the not gambling is a happy by-product of that.
While I’ve happily taken on the “addict” label before, I’m backpedaling a little bit. Not because I didn’t do tremendous amounts of damage or because I don’t think I have a problem. I am a problem gambler, folks. I am a problem drinker. I am problem gambler and drinker because I used to use them to “solve” problems, and then they caused me problems. It’s in my best interest if I never drink or gamble again. I get that. I’m fine with that.
But the skin-crawling, jumping out of my skin, “what am I going to do with out alcohol and gambling” feeling … it just isn’t there. It was pretty obvious to me that early on that I feel better not gambling and not drinking, ergo, don’t drink or gamble and I’ll feel better.
Am I talking in circles? Maybe. Will I be offended or argue if someone suggests I have an addition? No, but I will think that they are probably projecting their own issues on to me, if only just a bit.
This is not an attempt to justify gambling or drinking. In fact, I know that if I do return to either, it’s a very quick slide and I’m under no illusions that it’ll get better. But this IS an attempt to say that, for me, GA is a helpful tool, and I appreciate it and realize the good it brings. But it’s not my only tool, and if a life of balance is what I’m after, spending 5 to 10 hours a week attending meetings doesn’t leave a lot of room for all the other good stuff I’ve cultivated.
The therapy will continue. The transparency with money will continue. Limiting my access to cash will continue because it is like the proverbial monkey on my back. Going to GA meetings with continue. But I think it’s time to break with my sponsor.
I feel good and true when I say that. Feeling guilty and lying about the good things I’m doing in my life doesn’t seem like it’s indicative of a good working relationship.
Resolved.