Easier Than I Thought

I am so thankful that these past 12.5 days of not drinking have been so easy - and they have been, even as I’ve happily sailed through what I expected to be some big-time obstacles (not drinking around my husband when he’s drinking, not drinking during nice weather, not drinking when gardening, not drinking at a social engagement with lots of strangers, not drinking as a way to unwind from time with my sometimes stressful family, not drinking on a Friday, not drinking on a Saturday, not drinking on a Sunday, etc. etc. ad nauseum).

It makes me wonder if it would have always been this easy to abstain from drinking and it was simply fear that kept me in it, or if there was something molecularly different this go round - planets aligning, tides shifting, a pinch more of this or that in the atmosphere that helped.

I don’t know. But I do know that I’m awful glad that I’ve not been climbing the walls or jumping out of my skin. I have no doubt I am a problem gambler, and it’s in my best interest to never gamble again. I also have no doubt that I’ve developed an unhealthy relationship to alcohol over the years, and it’s in my best interest to not drink for at least the next 90 days as my therapist has suggested.

All the rest of it - that I am diseased and eternally broken? Yeah, I don’t know about that. And the reason I don’t know is because this has been so easy, as in “not a struggle, not difficult, not terribly time- or mind-consuming, something I am actually happy to be doing.”

So, that’s both a blessing and a curse, I suppose. If it was difficult, I would be much quicker to accept that, yes, I have a sickness and write it all off forever. But when I take that nugget out of the box and examine it, it doesn’t feel true to me.

What feels true is that I am more sensitive and “aware” than most folks and I feel things a bit more deeply and acutely than others, which makes me prone to anxiety, worry, sadness and fear that others may not necessarily experience in the same situation.

What feels true is that I am inclined to laziness and taking the easy route (drinking, gambling and generally isolating).

What feels true is that I have some past hurts from my formative years that I haven’t fully resolved.

What feels true is that I carry a lot of guilt about how I behaved during my mother’s illness and after her death.

What feels true is that I found it easier to “go along to get along” than to find my own path.

What feels true is that none of the above are going to be fixed overnight, but giving myself some time and booze-free clarity to sort through them is a fantastic idea and I don’t begrudge this period of sobriety like I thought I would … which leads me to think that a gambling “disease” or a drinking “disease” were not the issue for me (and me alone), but rather one of many symptoms of the issue.

I know for a fact that drinking is a disease for some people. I’ve seen it, seen people unable to stop who were constantly battling themselves and others over it.

And I have no problem saying that the jury’s still out on my gambling. If it came down to it and I had a gambling “disease,” I could live with that. But the fact that the Kindly Orthodex Jew - who has a good bit more mental health education than my fellow Gamblers Anonymous members - doesn’t seem to think so, makes me comfortable questioning my GA diagnosis.

I don’t know. Self-delusion, denial and fluff? Could be. But it doesn’t feel like it.