I did it, and I’m pissed.

Not in that order. I made it through day five, which happened to be a Sunday and one that was chock full of socialness, meeting new people and small talk. I may not have impressed the society pages, but I managed to introduce myself and exchange pleasantries with strangers at a Big Deal event for my sweet husband without alcohol and without looking like a bafoon.

So, why am I pissed? It’s 10:00 on a Sunday after a week where I have literally - no hyperbole - been with my husband for a total of 5 hours, not counting sleep, coming off of two previous weeks where I was away. And he’s out drinking with chums. And I was at home by myself doing his laundry. And he hasn’t called.

I feel a chasm starting between us. It’s one part his job, and, I’m going to say it even though it’s early, two parts me not drinking. If I was drinking, I’d be right there with them, wherever in the hell they are.

But as it is, I feel forgotten, abandoned, taken for granted, sad, lonely … and did I mentioned abandoned? It’s been a hard week, but I’m starting to wonder if the difficulty isn’t abstaining from drinking but rather recognizing that I don’t particularly like my marriage. I can write that without any worry that I’m clouded by drink or a hangover.

No need to make any rash decisions, but I’m going to keep that rock in my pocket and pull it out often, and run my fingers over it until I figure out if it’s a rock worth keeping and adding to my collection or one that just needs tossed away.

Dear lord, thank you for getting me through today. Please help me to do it again tomorrow, and let me know how I can help you, too.