On the One Hand …

I’m super proud of myself. 75 days of no drinking. Something like 82 of not gambling. I’m happier. I’m happy period. I am thinking about my future with hope.

And, yet, the message remains that it’s not enough. I can’t stop. I can’t slow up. I can’t back away from what’s working.

I hate that. My sponsor said a lot of things that hit home, like it’s not unusual for folks like us to start thinking, “I want to be normal.”

I’ve said as much myself and would like that to be true.

But then I’ve got the Kindly Orthodox Jew in my mind telling me that it’s too soon to be self-diagnosing myself with an addition.

Oh, hell. I don’t know. I reallly think my sponsor is the problem. But, am I going to look back on that statement six months from now and feel like a buffon? I don’t know.

I do know that I am beyond happy to take on some quick transcription work for an easy $100 for about three hours of my time. Every little bit to keep chiseling away at the hole I created.