Pang
Double-dipping into some work time to get some home and garden stuff accomplished. I was marching up the stairs, about to cross another item off my spring cleaning list when I had a thought of, “Gawd, I can’t wait to drink tonight. Except … oh, right. I’m not drinking right now. But maybe I could just for tonight.”
I want to examine this thought. First of all, why? Thus far, NOT drinking has been pretty darn pleasant. A few flareups of emotion but not really bored or twitchy, like I thought I might be.
Second of all, I mean really WHY? Where is it coming from? The nice weather? The sense of accomplishment? I think that might be it. The feeling that, “Oh, I did a lot of things I should have done today, so now I get to kick back and drink.”
Can I not just kick back and NOT drink? Can’t I watch TV and zone out with a mug of tea or soda or Kool-Aid in my hand?
The drinking pang is definitely related to rewards. So, what else can I reward myself with tonight after I have a list of crossed off items? Just spit-balling here:
- takeout dinner
- new lotion
- a new packet of seeds
- some potting mix
- cream-filled ladyfingers
- cream-filled anything
OK, I think it’s passed - at least, I hope. Nine days is no joke for me. I’m really proud of this nine days because I feel like in these nine days I’ve confronted some fears and displaced some myths. I know there’s a lot further to go but I’ve got a pretty good foothold here. I don’t want to start second-guessing myself.