Problems and Solutions

Note to self: If gambling caused the problem, gambling is not the solution.

Got a nasty surprise from the IRS today. Actually, surprise isn’t right - I think we knew it could/would happen, but I willfully ignored it to the point of denial. And some of ya’ll weren’t likin’ it.

So, we have to pay $4,500 to the IRS in pretty short order for the privilege of then being able to pay the IRS another $25,000 over time.

Look, I get it. I’m not mad at them. I’m mad at me that 7 months clean, and I continue to make fucked up financial decisions/non-decisions. And 7 months clean, and all I want to do is gamble. If gambling caused the problem, gambling is not the solution.

See also: If drinking caused the problem, drinking is not the solution.

If shopping caused the problem, shopping is not the solution.

I mean, shit. My job ends in 3 months. I know this because we’re interviewing my replacement - which is a decision I made. Again, ain’t mad at no one but myself.

I’m in a really fucked up headspace. I found that I can play one of my favorite slots online - for free. Don’t worry, no money has gone out. But I know even this gambling - for money or not - is not good and against the rules. But tonight it’s the lesser of two evils. Blow $400 I don’t have or blow four hours of time that I do?

Easy answer. I’m giving myself this pass tonight. I’m in a shame spiral and at least I’m minimizing the damage (and also coming up with some pretty good rationalizations, if I do say so myself).

Oh, me. When are you going to start caring enough about yourself and your life?

I don’t know me, but at least I made the bad decision without any financial consequences and I didn’t spend any money today. Progress?