Purposefully Sad

I was compelled tonight to watch a horribly sad documentary - paid $10 to rent it and everything. Then I followed it up with another one. And then another one.

56 days ago, I would have been drinking the whole time. Or maybe 96 days ago, I wouldn’t have stopped to watch it because I was gambling.

But tonight, I did. I stayed sober and I purposefully watched fucking sad documentaries full of despair and shame and guilt and remorse.

Maybe that is just who I am as a person, someone who has a certain need to also understand the sad in life. Appreciate it in the true sense of the word. I am ok with sad and grief and hard. I mean. I don’t wish it for myself or others, but when it comes, I think I navigate it better than some folks.

What does any of this mean? Hell if I know.

My sponsor called and left me one of her nastygrams. I think she forgot I was sick. It’s a sign I need to back off. She took me as far as she could, but I think I’m actually regressing in her presence. So, a simple talk on that tomorrow.