Room and Bored

I am frustrated. I find weak people very frustrating. Why doesn’t everybody just get it like I do? Heh. Honestly, we should all be thankful that not everyone thinks like I do, or we’d be in a heap of trouble.

For years I’ve known I don’t like my job. I like parts of it, but the overall job, I don’t like. I don’t like being in charge of someone else’s success. To a large degree, I can’t help it if someone else is weak or lacking. I have a hard enough time keeping myself accountable and my head above water. I like the vast majority of the people, but one or two of the ones I work closest with are the most difficult for me. Maybe that’s the nature of it; those who are just casual colleagues are easier because there’s more room and space to act as a buffer.

Room and space, that’s a theme that surrounds me. I want plenty of room and space mentally, physically and emotionally and I seem to somehow create those circumstances even if they aren’t there to begin with, even if - especially if - that room and space endangers them.

My husband now works a job where he’s gone 90 hours a week, at my support and insistence. Just a few years into our marriage, I find us with less and less to talk about. He is a kind, forgiving soul and I’m lucky to have him but I feel like we’re losing those connection points. I can only get so interested in the things he’s talking about because they have nothing to do with me and vice versa, I would image.

Even my best friend and I don’t talk every day, or even every couple of days. And, while she’s in my heart, she’s about 3,000 miles away geographically.

So, I oft find myself with plenty of room and space and then … I’m bored. And because I’m bored, I drink or gamble or otherwise futz around.

“Be careful what you wish for,” comes to mind.

I’m not anti-social but like so many people with addiction issues, it takes a lot out of me to be around people. I suspect this is because my outsides don’t match my insides at this point.

The relief in being honest with my husband about my gambling has been immense. I can only trust that being honest about my drinking to even these anonymous pages will also bring relief. Because in being honest, which is a new path, I’m not sure what I’m going to find.

Perhaps it will be glaringly obvious that I have a Problem, capital P, with drinking and, like gambling, it’s something I can’t ever do again. Or perhaps I’ll find it was simply a crutch to help me cope with other issues. Or perhaps a find that it’s neither, but I’m so happy being sober that it’s like finding a new hair color that suits me better. Brown was OK, but I find that I feel and look better with blonde.

Who knows? What I do know is that I am not always the best about follow-through, so the mere act of getting to 30 days without drinking will be a nice accomplishment in itself; 30 days of doing anything consistently - whether it’s praying, or flossing or taking vitamins - is a good thing.

I also know it’s nice to have some place to unearth all of this muck. Because, lo, there is a lot of muck.

 
0
Kudos
 
0
Kudos

Now read this

Whooo - cravings

Seemingly out of nowhere. It’s my brain thinking, “Well, since you’re off the sauce again, how about we gamble?” I’m doing tax stuff itemizing for 2013 and the list of gambling losses is … triggery. Like, “I spent $1200 in one day; what’... Continue →