Seven Months

If I make it to midnight, I’ll have seven months of no gambling. A lot and nothing at all, but things do “look” a bit better at seven months. New cars, new hair, bills paid (mostly) on time (progress, tho). So, from the outside, I’m doing it.

The trouble is the inside. Lots of cravings. Lots of drinking. Even thinking of suicide (only when drunk .. I think). I mean, I’m not actively trying to kill myself, more of, “I could if I wanted to thought,” which isn’t much better. But I don’t want anyone to freak out and try to contact emergency services, etc.

Oh, and lots of justifying and lying. Just “simple” lies, some omissions, but my truth telling has gone WAY down in recent months compared to when I first stop gambling.

This, writing, helps. Why do I try to do it with writing? And meetings. I haven’t been to a meeting in months. I am taking said new car to a meeting tonight. It is not exactly how I want to spend a Friday night, but considering that my depression isn’t letting me get excited about any other plans, a meeting it will be.

I feel like the pressure’s turned all the way up in my brain. I haven’t done real well at cultivating new coping mechanisms. So, it’s drinking and gambling except I can’t do that anymore.

Well, I certainly can, but if I do, I’ll be back to sleepless nights, lying to my husband and everyone, feeling trapped, letting everyone - including myself - down, being ill-tempered, running, running, running to try to keep up. For what? A few hours (if I’m lucky) of release and maybe $700 if I’m lucky?

$700 is NOT going to change my life. $700 is NOT worth seven months of not gambling. $700 months isn’t worth much at all.

Some things that are causing me guilt and maybe if I rectify or let go of will release the pressure:

not properly congratulating my friend on a big accomplishment: Resolved, I will send her a congrats package tomorrow

not being there for my parents who are sad and exhausted and sick to death of death: Resolved, I will send them a funny card

not having sex with my husband: Resolved, I will have sex with my husband

a dirty house: Um. I will clear off the dining room table. That will help.

slacking off at work: Resolved, I will let this one go. I may be focusing on more short-term goals at the moment not related to work, but I will make up for it.

not walking the dog enough: She gets so excited for even a short walk so, resolved, I will walk her daily even if it’s just up the street

OK, what else? I’m fat. I’m lazy. I can never be happy. I was/am a bad daughter/sister/friend/wife.

Oooh, boy. We’ve got some work to do. Glad I’m back. I need to be here.

 
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Now read this

Day 1 - Once More, With Feeling

Because I think it will help in the future, here’s my unvarnished, post-midnight ramble I sent to myself after last night: No one died. I didn’t. Hurt myslef 0r others. But, wow, drinking is not fun. I’m ok … no, I’m not ok i blew 90... Continue →