Sober to be Sure

I’m back in the realm of heavy drinking and, if not gambling real money then at least being consumed by it and ‘practicing’ at home on free sites. Something’s got to change. Actually SOME THINGS got to

I’m pretty sure I want to divorce my husband. He’s a nice guy, and I will always root for him, but I’m too young to be in a sexless marriage. I am also starting to resent him and this house and our life and and and and

But, it could also be that I am depressed and anxious and drinking too much and feeling unattractive because I’m fatter than I was (not fat, but fatter to be sure) and unhappy with myself as a result, and he’s the closest target. I’ve given myself a task. I’m going to get sober so that I can be sure if I really want to leave my husband, or if it’s an alcohol-induced lead vest.

I keep getting stuck at:

What will I tell his parents and family?
What shall we do about the car he drives that’s in my name?
Where will he live?
How will he afford life?

If you notice, those are all about him. I’m not the least bit unsure about myself. I will be fine - relieved, happy, in fact. Ready to take on the world unencumbered. At least, that’s how I feel right this minute after a long night of boozing and little sleep.

I do not know if I will feel the same way in two months’ time (actually two and a half) on my 35th birthday. But I’m going to clear the cobwebs from my head first and not make any crazy decisions until then.

And all of those things I’m stuck at? Solved easily enough.

“I care for your son, but we live like roommates, and our marriage is missing quite a bit.” Vague, polite.

He can keep using the car. He’s responsible and has enough of a guilt complex that he wouldn’t do anything to harm it.

He can move back to the same place he lived when I met him, though, hopefully not. It was pretty dreary.

He has a fine job, and he will be fine. He’ll have to get back to budgeting.

So, Lord, help me get through this first night without drinking to help me get some traction.

Self, this may be difficult but the upside is that in a very short while you will know whether you have a good husband and life and just needed to remove the nattering of drinking … or if you should, in fact, move on.

Resolved.