Clean Getaway
Day 2. Easier than I thought, but then I think that’s part of the problem. I have a very short memory, and once I get a few days/weeks/months in, the unpleasantness fades. I forget the pounding head. I forget the roiling stomach, rigid with anxiety. I forget the swollen tongue, the endless thirst. I forget the sandpaper skin. I forget not showering for a week at a time. I forget waking up every hour to glug down more water. I forget sunken eyes and sadness.
I know I am a compulsive gambler. That’s an easy one. It’s beaten me to the point where I know there’s no beating back; there is only leaving it, slamming the door and not turning back.
But, at this point, I think drinking is more of a habit, and that’s harder. I’m not scared of drinking the way I am scared of gambling.
Gambling is an abusive boyfriend who throws me against a wall, and then I fall to the ground crumpled. It’s easy to understand why I have to break up with gambling now and forever.
But drinking just feels like that bad boyfriend who criticizes me in front of my friends, cheats on me, acts sullen and petulant when I voice my own opinions and feelings, but, at the end of the day, he’s in bed holding me and telling me how beautiful I am. Still dangerous, but much harder to make a clean break from.
But a clean break I shall make, at least for now. It’s time. I’ve seen how quickly addiction can take over.
I like that I can claim a start date for both abstaining from gambling and drinking on the same day. That feels fortuitous to me.
The counter app on my phone has been helpful in that I can look at it and say, “I’ve already gone 18 hours without drinking today. Just another 3 or 4 hours until bed. I can do that.”
It’s easier for me to think of it that way than, “Shit, it’s only 6:00. I have to get through a night without drinking.”
Perspective.
As I said, so far, so good. Days 1 and 2 have come fairly easily. I know that won’t always be the case, which is why I’ve got to document this and refer back to it. At some point, I will begin to feel better and my resolve will weaken and I will think, “I didn’t have a problem with drinking. Drinking 7 nights a week is normal. Most people will drink a bottle of wine or more a night. Most people have been pulled over for DUI and arrested. Hell, I only got charged with one, so that’s not so bad. Most people drink too much and pass out, unable to remember getting to bed. Most people gain 35 or 40 pounds in 2 years. Most people spend close to $500 a month on alcohol. Most people drink in the morning at brunch. Most people need hair of the dog to get going after a night out.”
Most people would read all of those things and recognize that someone they applied to has a problem.
So, habit or life-long issue, I don’t know. But I think abstaining in April is a good place to start. I don’t have any tricky social engagements to weather. Spring has sprung and there’s plenty I want to accomplish to keep me busy and “distracted” - which is OK. I don’t have to do this perfectly; I just have to do it.
It’s a good time to at least peer down the rabbit hole to see what’s what. I’m committing to not gambling ever again because I have to and I want to; but it’s enough for me right now to experiment with not drinking. I’m allowed to change my mind in 30 days on that front.
For now, I’m most excited to get sleep back. I feel exhausted to my bones, which certainly isn’t helping anything. Even though I didn’t sleep much last night, I reckoned waking up tired with a gut burbly from lack of sleep was far better than waking up tired with a gut burbly from wine. And then continuing to punish that gut with bad food, caffeine, sugar, whatever I could get down to just try to settle my stomach.
My poor body. I’m sorry. At the very least, you need 30 days to rest.