Cravings

I have an appointment this afternoon to start confronting just how bad the financial fallout is from my gambling in the form of monies owed to Uncle Sam. I can say that I kept the mortgage up and most of the other big things, but I did that by spending money that was due to the government.

It is time to pay the piper, and I think we’re going to be looking at owning about what the average American makes in one year. This makes me sick, as I have nothing to show for it, except a tumbling composter and a trip to New Orleans. The rest of my winnings I either frittered away or gave back to the casino, all while racking up huge bills.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me, then, that I was - am - having HUGE cravings to gamble and drink and otherwise escape my reality today, the reality I made decision after decision to create.

It makes it tough because even though I’ve given my husband a very real preview of what I think is to come, he doesn’t seem to get it. That is to say, he doesn’t get that we’ll have to pull back and scrimp to get this to a manageable place. He doesn’t get that right off the top, we have to send 30% of my paycheck each month just to make sure we stay on top of it, not to mention the gigantic sums we’ll have to pay out to past balances.

Oy. It makes me sick. I am so mad at myself.

But you know what? I had a revelation today. I was telling myself, “Oh, God, my life is such a mess,” but the reality is that’s not true. I have some past taxes, I have some credit card debt, and my house is a little messy. That’s really it.

I have a loving, wonderful husband. My relationships with my family are good. My work - while not exactly satisfying - is successful, pays me well and I am respected. I have a lot of great friends. My health is good. I haven’t had a drink in 21 days and I haven’t gambled in 28 days.

So, no - I’m not a general mess. I have some messes to clean up, which I will and things will look a heck of a lot better in a year’s time, and I have to keep from making the same kinds of messes going forward, but I’m actually doing pretty good overall.

So, take that, cravings - I’m not giving into you. Drinking and gambling have got me nowhere, so kiss my ass.