Cravings are Back

Whoo, I am struggling today. I keep envisioning having a drink and feeling that warm, loose feeling it gives me. I think it’s partly weather-related, partly that I’ve spent most of my work day doing stuff for the house and partly because my husband is off today and left to enjoy some golf with a friend.

I don’t begrudge him that, I honestly don’t. But I know that he’s going to come home fairly buzzed and … my first thought was to write, “It will be easier to deal with him if I’m drunk, too.”

Wow. I do find myself irritated at him when he’s at home upsetting my routine. Isn’t that something? I mean, my routine - I’m just here working typically. Is it that I’m jealous that he’s not working?

I think it might be. So, my brain, feeling jealous, says, “Hey, go ahead and blow 28 days of sobriety to quiet that little green monster.”

No, thank you. I will not. I’m going to continue getting projects done. And, at the end of the day, if I don’t feel like being around him, I won’t. I’ll take a bath and read my book.

But, let’s be honest: The problem isn’t him. He’s quite a pleasant man, drunk or sober. He’s a little floppier drunk, but he’s a sweet, sleepy drunk. The problem is me. And me wanting to be drunk.

So, why do I want to be drunk? It’s nice outside. I’ve been working hard around the house and want a reward. I have a hard time unwinding without it. It’s that last one that’s the toughest. I’m not sure how to fully relax unless I “make” myself relax by getting stone drunk.

I’ll have to ruminate on that.