Day 7

It’s not quite midnight but I’m closing the books on day 7. Another easy go - thank you, lord; may I have another?

But, but, but I did start to feel the first cracks. I did. I think it may be because it was a rough day at work, and I have a couple freelance projects I’m juggling and I took on too much cooking tonight. That sounds dumb, but it’s true. It may hold a key.

I’m doing an unrequested favor for some folks by making dinner for them once a week. They are stoked to get any kind of dinner, but instead of making one dish for them, I made 2 so they would have a variety. It’s the Not Enough monster at play. These folks would be happy with PB and Js and, yet, I’ve got to go 10 steps beyond where I need to.

So I cooked and cleaned for nearly 4 hours, neglecting other things. This means I’ll be a Stress Mess tomorrow as deadlines approach and I race to finish everything.

A better solution - for next time, of course; can’t change the past - would be to choose one dish to cook, spend 2 hours cooking and cleaning and 2 hours on other stuff I need to do.

It sounds so simple when I type it out. Why doesn’t this stuff come to me in the moment?

So, the crack. The crack is related to over-extending myself. The crack is related to worrying about tomorrow and the chaos my choices are breeding. The crack is related to resentment of other people and my perception they’re not doing enough, which stems from insecurity that I’m not doing enough.

I will seek out an “enough” meditation and see if that helps.

I honestly can’t explain what is happening to me. It’s a bit like I was shoved into the trunk of someone’s car and have been riding around in the dark, listening to muffled sounds, only guessing where we might be going for the past three years. Then, some time in the past week, the trunk flew open, light flashed in. I got out of the trunk and found that the driver’s side was empty and the keys were in the ignition. I’m not quite driving yet, but I’m starting to contemplate it.

For now, it just feels good to be out of the trunk.