Oxymoron
Just got a call from my sponsor - I feel like I’ve disappointed her but, you know what? I’m not sure she knows what’s best for me at this point. I like the GA meetings, and I will continue to go, but I don’t feel a kinship or a comfort with her that I want to have with someone who’s supposed to guide me through these tricky steps.
Look, I know the best teachers in our lives typically aren’t also our best friends. I get that. But if our whole relationship is supposed to be built on the fact that I feel like I can call her at any time or talk to her about anything, well, then I really don’t feel that. I just don’t.
She wanted me to try and make a meeting tonight, but think my psyche and my well-being are going to be improved more by getting some of the items on my list done and also walking and meditating, as per the kindly Orthodox Jewish counselor.
What I’m feeling right now is not a gambling craving or out of control or isolated; what I’m feeling is that I let her down. But at this moment, how she feels about my recovery isn’t what’s important to me; it’s what I feel. And I feel like I will be better served by straightening my environment, cooking myself a nice meal, reading some insightful and interesting books, maybe watching a good movie, getting to bed early and then going to the meeting tomorrow as planned. And then going to another meeting Monday as planned.
How do you move past a feeling of disappointing someone? I’d really like to know because it’s a feeling I’ve carried with me my whole life. Because my intuition has been so out of whack for so long with the drinking and gambling and what not, for the first time in a really long time, I feel like I’m making the right decision at this specific moment to stay in and take care of me instead of getting on a bus, carting myself down to a meeting, resentfully sharing, and then carting myself back home in the dark.
It’s not a decision that’s harmful to myself or others. I’m not gambling. I don’t want to gamble. I’m not drinking. The idea of a drink sounds nice, but I’m not white-knuckling it and I’m feeling some small joy at the thought of my evening’s plans. And, yet, what I’m struggling with, what’s weighing me down at the moment, is that I disappointed her, a woman whom I don’t I don’t have any obligation to, nor that I particularly gel or feel comfortable with, nor, if I’m being completely honest, I completely like.
I suspect a difficult conversation is coming tomorrow, and it’s probably going to be along the lines of:
Her: You’re not doing what you need to do. You need to commit more to GA, go to more meetings, reach out more, work the steps harder.
Me: I understand where you’re coming from, and I will continue to go to meetings and get involved where I can because it has been helpful and I have seen progress working with GA. I understand you’re disappointed in me, and that feels bad because I don’t like disappointing people, but I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to you. And I will claim that as my issue, but the therapist has asked that I also develop some other tools in my toolkit along with GA. And so I’m doing that, which means I’ve got to balance my time and efforts on both. I need to take a step back.
Here’s hoping it comes out so eloquently tomorrow. But the fact is that balance is what it’s about for me. No one thing is going to keep me from gambling again. It’s of no use to me if I have over-developed GA muscles, but my depression keeps me from reaching out and flexing those GA muscles. Conversely, it’s of no use to me if I’m “depression free” but I don’t have anyone to talk with about my gambling regrets and cravings.
If I’m being honest - and I can here - I think it’s a bit sad and weird that folks who are 25 years clean still go to 7 meetings a week. It seems a bit like a crutch. Now, will my sweet husband always have to hold my credit and debit cards to keep me from going on a gambling bender? Possibly. Might some others say that’s a crutch? Sure. But I’m all right with that kind of double standard if it keeps me out of the casinos.
I truly feel that both GA and this therapy are important right now. That feels good - a balanced approached, and I won’t be bullied into reaching out to someone for support.
That’s quite an oxymoron: bullied into getting support.