Elsewhere
55 days today, 55 flipping days. That is some kind of incredible, made even more incredible by the fact that I am HAPPY about that number and not resentful that I am in the midst of it.
Oh, and I passed another 60 days of not gambling, too, but I feel like that’s a bit old hat as I’ve gotten the 60-day key chain … twice. I’ll start dancing when I get to 90 days, especially because the cravings are suddenly back. Maybe “suddenly” is not the right word; they’ve been creeping in for a while.
I’m recognizing that when I want to gamble (or drink) it’s because I want to be elsewhere. Not geographically speaking necessarily (although not not geographically speaking, either), but more to the point: There are some factors in my life that I don’t feel like dealing with, so I would rather be Elsewhere, as in “not dealing with them.”
Maybe I took on too much work. Maybe I have to have an uncomfortable conversation. Maybe there are too many things on my to-do list. Whatever it is that I don’t want to deal with, my brain still reverts back to, “Gambling is the answer! Go gamble, and don’t deal with it! It’ll be fun, AND you could end up a millionare so that you don’t have to deal with anything ever again! It’s a great plan! Go gamble. Gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble gamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamblegamble…”
“… OK, no gambling. I get it. That was bad for you - ruined your finances and made you lie a lot. Fair enough. Even I, your Brain, can agree that maybe that’s not a good idea. So, how about drinking?! Yes! Go drink! If you drink you don’t have to deal with any of this! And drinking didn’t ruin in your life. Drinking didn’t make you lie … much. Drinking’s OK for you. You know what they say about red wine and heart health. Look, you know plenty of people who drink more than you do. You deserve it. Go drink - it’s a cheap ticket to Elsewhere.”
And then I have to remind myself that, no, drinking didn’t ruin my life … yet. But it sure as hell ruined my happiness, my motivation, my perspective, my sense of hope, my general joie de vivre.
So, no drinking, no gambling. No ticket to Elsewhere. Stay Here and Deal.
Which, quite frankly, can suck dogwater sometimes - at least before I Stay Here and Deal. After I Stay Here and Deal, it’s usually much better. I am very glad that I did and I count my lucky stars that I am not either drunk or hungover.
Today, I very much want to be Elsewhere, a place where I don’t have mountains of freelance work to do (to help get me out of the hole I created while gambling), a place where I don’t have to handle irritating projects at work (that offer me a big, fat paycheck … to help get me out of the hole I created while gambling), a place where the house is clean and the yard is mowed (actually, there is no correlation to gambling here; sometimes you just need to clean the house).
But, I will Stay Here and Deal. Because that’s going to make me feel better - not throwing $400 away on soul-sucking robots or $40 away on a soul-sucking hangover.