Longer Than

Longer than I wanted to be away. I could cite a whole bunch of bull, but fact is I haven’t made it a priority. Still not glomming onto the GA lifestyle but I do like worshiping at the GA church. I am also so, so grateful to be 68 days sober. Holy hell.

But I read people who have a lot more time than me sober and still struggling with what to do and how to be. I’m not. But I wonder if it’s because I still have an out? This is temporary for me, at least at this point. But I continue to mull over a permanent path to not drink.

I guess I’ll get to day 90 and check out the view from there.

Mostly, I just miss being able to turn off my brain and get myself to sit. The. Fuck. Down.

I keep going and going until late into the night. Not quite manically because I do drop at some point after midnight. But also, yeah, maybe a little manically.

I don’t want to end up like my mom, ignoring the obvious problem and living a life of barely covered misery, always being driven by “never enough” on every level: never enough stuff, never enough love, I’m never enough.

For once, I am starting to see a path to contentment, fuck it, I’ll put it out there: a path to happiness. I can see it. The message from the universe is “almost time but not quite yet” and I understand and respect that. It’s enough that I see and feel things in motion and probably most importantly that I’m in motion.

So, no major changes. Keep on keeping on for now but also keep working toward the new good stuff.

I’m grateful not drinking has been so easy and beneficial. Thank you, lord.