Protective

I’m at the point in this, 74 days as of this moment, where I’m so close to hitting 90 days that I don’t want anyone or anything to stand in my way. I am making selfish decisions to protect that number.

That’s good and bad, I think. Good that I’ve finally committed to this; bad that I’ve committed to a number not a deeper outcome.

I still can’t bring myself to say when, where or what my “first drink back” will be, largely because I’m still not sure there will be a first drink back. Well, that’s not true. I’m pretty sure there will be a first drink back. But what I anticipate happening is that I’m going to be so over-the-top aware that I shouldn’t be having the first drink back in the FIRST place, that I won’t be able to enjoy it.

Or, I don’t know, maybe I will. In some ways, I feel like I’m back at day one again. I’ve conceded that I can’t gamble, can’t make that first bet - not because of GA strictly speaking, but because that part of the GA tenets just happens to apply to me. But the detriment of drinking is less clear. So, my life isn’t perfect or expected to be any time soon just because I’m sober. Ditto for not gambling. But I can say honestly that it is better - or I am better - anyway.

Better in that I’m at least aware of my dishonesty even if I do not always tell the truth. Better in that I’m persuing dreams and goals and ideas and creativity again. Better in that I’m talking to people and reaching out.

Case in point, in January 2013, a mutual friend tried to inroduce me to a gal who’s a neighbor, as we both have several things in common. I flaked out. At the time, I couldn’t have articulated that I was consumed by gambling and basically exhausted and scared and shameful, and the idea of having to hide and lie from even one more person wasn’t tolerable. but that’s what it was. So I hid, and lied and kept hiding. I never did meet up with her.

Fast forward to today, I met this gal by chance as she was walking by. And she’s super nice - a good, positive energy. Maybe not my new BFF, but someone who would surely be enjoyable to have tea with or take a walk with. And I’m happy for it. Meeting her today doesn’t feel like a burden or something scary or overwhelming. That is a vast difference to how I was feeling about the same exact situation in January 2013.

So, better, yes. And considering that things have only gotten better since I’ve stopped drinking or gambling, I have to deduce that if I continue to not drink and gamble, things will get better still. Whether it’s because of the 12-step magic, or because my depression is lifting or due to some imperceptible shift in the tides, I don’t know - and, frankly, don’t much care. As the Kindly Orthodox Jew says, “People can live perfectly good lives without drinking or gambling.”

But the condundrum is that I have been hiding out a bit from my life, ducking out of events early or bowing out entirely (from the start, i.e. not flaking out after committing, so that’s good but I’m still avoiding them). But I guess when I think on it, they’re not things that I really want to be doing anyway, so is it so bad that I don’t go?

I don’t necessarily want to go to a party and make loud small talk with people I don’t have much in common with and, in my deepest of judgy hearts, don’t really like anyway.

I find that I most often want to drink or gamble in situations I don’t like. So I’ve gotten in the habit of asking myself when a craving comes up, “What don’t you like right now? Can you change it?”

Most of them time, I can. I can choose to do another activity or go to a different place or whatever the case may be. I find I have a very low tolerance for other people, and I’m OK with that because sometimes I have a really high tolerance for other people, especially when they are hurting or sad or weak. That counts for something. It’s OK that I don’t want to always chit chat because I feel comfortable saying that if someone needed me to be there for them during something difficult, I could and would without hesitation.

Shit. I think I just hit on something. Maybe I have a low tolerance for surface-leveal bullshit interaction because I am meant to be having deeper connections with people.

Here I thought I just wanted to refinish furniture but, shit, now I don’t know. And that’s OK. When I know, I can make a decision. Until then, I’m going to give myself permission to duck out of events early or all-together.