Regrets - or Not
Went to a GA meeting last night after a loooong day of work because that’s what I needed. The medicine analogy is a little worn out by now, but it’s fucking true. Sometimes you take medicine because you have active symptoms and it makes the symptoms go away. Sometimes you take medicine even if you feel fine to keep the symptoms from coming back.
I am somewhere in between “active symptoms” and “fine” and it was a good meeting to go to, as there were people there - one who’s vascilated between quitting and gambling since they started coming months ago, and one who had a significant amount of clean time and relapsed a few months ago and hasn’t been able to get any traction.
Both were miserable and struggling with themselves and the world, and I don’t want to go back there. I was exhausted just listening to them (in a compassionate way, not, like, annoyed).
It was a reminder I needed, and a reminder that even if all of the parts of GA don’t work for me, a lot of them do. I am not above this. I am not cured. I am a half step away from being back in that dark, sad place. I’ve tasted it these past few weeks, and I don’t want anymore.
Also saw my old sponsor. It was good to just get it out of the way. She was pleasant and we hugged - as it should be - but I/we made the right decision. She was scattered, self-focused, not quite right for where my head is right now. I am not sure if I will seek out another sponsor, honestly, but I know I made the best decision to cut ties with her on that level.
Didn’t drink last night. Slept like shit today and am staring down a long day again, but at least I’m not hung over. How easily I forget the value in not being hung over.
So, I’m here today. Looking forward to another sober night. Day 2, so I’m taking it slow and counting hours and giving myself permission to go to bed at 8:00 with a bowl of ice cream if that’s what I need.
Someone said last night, “I’ve never regretted going to GA, never regretted going to a meeting. I always regretted gambling, every time.”
Well, there you go.