Setting the Bar

I was in a bar tonight, and I had fun listening to live music and talking with friends, all while drinking water.

I think, most of all, I’m grateful that I’ve made it through all of the things that I perceived as difficult or not fun sober and have found that they’re not only easier to do sober but I’m not sure I ever found them fun … but at least now I can be present enough to find something to enjoy.

What I mean is, at least in regard to tonight, I don’t think I ever would have been hopped up to go to a crowded bar and listen to mediocre music. Before,whilst drinking, I probably would have been anxious and concerned what others were thinking of me when I walked through the door and would have drank to make it tolerable. I would have felt trapped and counting the minutes until I could go … until I got drunk and stopped giving a shit.

Tonight, I realized no one cared a whit about me, so I chatted with my friends, whooped and clapped at the music, had some hummus and drank my water. And when I was ready to go - when the conversation bored me and I was tired - I left and went home.

So, I’m proud of me. I came out of hiding, hit a bar, had fun and generally survived.

It’s such a cliche but I’m realizing very accutely that I’m in charge of my perception and actions. My perception is that I’m just fine not drinking, and my actions reflect it. There was never a question of me drinking tonight, but the question was how I would feel about it. Tonight, I felt fine, and that’s big because it has been a long time since things have felt fine. Go me.