Straying

62 days without a drink, and 70 days without a bet. Damn. And, yet, what I find myself doing is deviating from the very thigns that helped get me to this point.

The cravings are back and powerful. Gambling dreams, rationalization that I made it 60 days without drinking so clearly I don’t have a problem, despite the fact that my life is infinitely better now and I am actually excited - if not a tiny bit manic - about thins again. Painting! Sewing! Gardening! Creating! Yes! Yes! Yes!

But the balance is gone again. No self-care. Wearing jammies all day. Haven’t been to a proper meeting in weeks. Avoiding my sponsor. Not writing daily. Not making appointments with my therapist. Not listening to meditations. So, basically, I’ve been abandoning all of the stuff that’s been working in the hopes that I’ll just magically stay sober and gamble free.

That’s not very smart. And, yet, I keep telling myself it’s because I’m better now - less depressed, less anxious, more motivated, more honest (most of the time). But how do I stay better if I don’t do the things that got me here in the first place?

Although, you hear from people all of the time that the second year sober looks very different than the first. Maybe some of that applies here; the first two months of sober look very different than what the second two months will look like. But that seems like a bunch of bullshit I tell myself to justify slacking off on the hard stuff.

Oh, bother.