Under the Weather but Wiser

Day 36 brought the emergence of a cold and day 37 brought the full force of it. In recent past, I would have taken to the couch and the bottle, rationalizing that “forcing” myself to rest by devouring TV, crap food and whiskey and ginger beer - and, thus, getting shit-bombed out of my gourd - was the best self-care plan. Today, at least, I knew better.

I haven’t slept much these past two nights due to coughing (and work-related anxiety) and I haven’t felt great, but still nothing like the soul-crushing hangovers that whooped on me just 37 days ago. I hope that not being hung over never gets old.

Just had a flashback to a waitress I worked with many moons ago, Diana. She was in her 40s, a beautiful woman in a “rode hard and put away wet” kind of way. She drank herself sad most every night and would come in the next day and let us know that she was “hangin’” after a rough night. We hung out at work and after work and got shitfaced together, me a 23 year old depressive in training.

Incidentally, Diana was dating a 23 year old volatile deadbeat who was a cook at our restaurant. When they were (freshly) broken up, I found myself back at his house and slept with him. I’m sure I was drinking but I don’t think I was drunk. I did it because I was sad and lonely and careless, and I figured that. Diana would forgive me. And she did. And she forgave Steve, too. And we all continued to drink together and be merry.

It wasn’t the first time I’d slept with someone’s boyfriend. And not the last, if memory serves. But it was probably one of the first times the consequences just disappeared thanks to drinking. I certainly didn’t make that connection intellectually, but I must have emotionally because from then on, my drinking soared and I continued to weasel my way into and out of bad situations and bad choices.

So much shame from incidents like these. It’d be one thing if there was passion but, no, I was just sad and lonely and trying to leach someone else’s shot at happiness. Man, I have a long history of sucking.