Well, Then

Called my sponsor back, and she proceeded to lay into me and basically called me out for not working the program. And that’s fair; I’m not really. I’m in the program. But I feel like the program led me to find another program..

Is there really one one program? I think that’s what’s at the heart of the matter. I realize I have to actively work against and through my gambling problem. There’s no dispute there.

But is going to 4 meetings a week and calling someone each day that I don’t want to talk to the ONLY way to actively work against and through my gambling problem? No, I don’t think so.

I’m hurt and angry that her assumption is that without living and breathing GA, I’m doomed to a life of woe and defeat. I understand the point: Put as much into recovery as you did into your gambling. I am. I’m pursuing interests. I’m working to pay bills. I’m talking to friends and family. I’m going to therapy. I’m going to a meeting or two a week (usually - OK, she’s got me there).

And I have to remember that this is coming from her limited perspective. She tried therapy and it “didn’t work” for her. She has other addictions. She’s talking to me as if she and I are the same. I believe whole-heartedly in therapy.

Is that what this is, though? An aversion because I don’t want to be in the “same group” as her, labeled as such? Maybe her personally, yes - Ha! true! - but do I mind being connected with the GA group? No, I really don’t. I’m so glad to know all these people and count them among friends. I’m glad to know that when I travel for work, Wednesday at 8 p.m. I can meet up with a group of otherwise strangers and talk about the mess I made gambling. I’m glad for that. I don’t shun that.

So, no, I’m back to where I started, which is: GA is a piece for me, an important piece that I’m not looking to quit any time soon, but it’s one piece. And feeling like I have to lie and sneak around so that I can miss a meeting to garden, for fuck’s sake, or go to a movie or visit a friend just seems … like bullshit. Because it is bullshit. Enough with the guilt.

A the core, you have a woman who just went off on you because she perceived that you disrespected her and the program that worked so well for her. Instead of, “Hey, what’s going on here?” it was, “Hey! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE IS THAT YOU SUCK AND YOU’RE NOT DOING WHAT YOU’RE TOLD!”

So, yeah, correct decision: Break up with her. Get to the meetings that make you feel good and comfortable and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.