Wow, an emotional couple of days. Turns out, my boss is harboring resentment for me. She feels I undermine her in public, am trying to minimize her role and generally don’t cheerlead for her enough. Plus I take charge when I have no business doing so.

I’ll cop to that last one - with the caveat that I step in and take charge when I sense that no one else is. Perhaps my senses are off, but in the absence of a clear leader, I’ll assume the role.

But the rest? Wow. Just wow. Born entirely of her insecurities.

So, now I’m left wondering how to respond.

1. Take the easy route and tell her what she wants to hear just to make it go away? “I love you. You’re the best boss ever. I’m soooooooooo sorry.”

2. Take the middle road and try to temper some of that in with some explanation of where the misunderstanding may have started.

3. Tell her to go fuck herself and give her the name of my therapist.

I feel like it must be the week for calling me on my shit. I’m trying to accept the hand slaps graciously, as I know the intent behind them is good and the fact is that I am in the wrong, but good God almighty, I’d like to have a full 24 hours in which someone isn’t pointing out some flaw or misguided notion of mine. I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong.

From my boss, to my husband to a some stranger on the street who felt I almost hit him and gave me a stern, “Watch it!” I say: Enough already folks.

I’m going to hide and isolate indoors today. Fuck the world. Fuck everybody else. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I continue to turn this thing with my boss over and over in my head. Let it go, me. Or, perhaps I’ll try a different tack: Lord, can you take this one off my plate? Feel free to replace it with ideas and inspirations of how I can help people instead. Or what my new job should be. Or even, ya know, some calming thoughts.

That’s not a gripe with you, lord, but one with me and the endless loop of worry in my head. Thanks for your help.

Called my sponsor before I said something regretable to my boss. Because the sad truth is that, while her hand slaps may have been overdone, there was a kernal of truth to them. That is, I was in the wrong, so no matter how indignant or passive aggressive or “I’m going to stick it to my boss” I want to get, I can’t. Because it’s on me.

So, God, I will make the correction. Can you please help me to stop replaying this in my head so I can move on? I accept my part in it, and that’s all I’m taking with me; I’ll give you the rest and ask for you guidance going forward to keep me from tripping over my own feet. Thanks.

I feel rough today; I suppose that’s when growth occurs. The seedling emerges by breaking through the ground. Things get disrupted. The landscape changes. I’d like to just skip ahead to the part where I’m harvesting flowers, but that takes time, I know. And all this other...

There’s a mix in my head right now, calm and chaos. I suppose that’s pretty normal.

But what I can’t seem to shake is how much time I spend doing things I don’t like. Look, I don’t mean things cleaning the bathroom - nobody likes cleaning the bathroom but I’d rather be cleaning the bathroom than 99.9% of the stuff I do for work, and I appreciate the end result, so it’s fine.

What I mean is time spent stroking the egos of people I don’t particularly care for. Or focusing my intelligence on projects I’m not genuinely invested in if they fail or succeed, so long as I get my paycheck. Or furthering the pursuits of people that I don’t particularly care about (which, admittedly, is an upgrade from this time last year when I was furthering the pursuits of people I flat-out couldn’t stand and made my life miserable).

In the big scheme of things, it’s probably not that hard to make sure my...

Tried to play hooky today to cross some things off my to-do list and it backfired. I ended up finding new projects and I have to do more work tomorrow. Dammnit. Lesson learned, I guess.

At least I made it to a meeting, which I sorely needed. Cravings hardcore today. Pretty sure it had something to do with the wad of cash in my pocket (note to self: stop testing yourself; even if you didn’t fail this time, you will if you keep it up. Accept that you can’t have access to cash, and your life gets much easier).

So, I didn’t drink and didn’t gamble, but I sure as hell wanted to. I will sleep tonight and change the things I can tomorrow.

Had folks over for mother’s day. I was grumbly and irritated, though mostly at myself. I am finding that to be the case: when I am mad at myself, I get mad at others easily.

But, even grumbly and tired and feeling put upon, I stayed sober. Mostly happily; I had a few pangs, sure, but, again, the phenomena I notice is that no one else - except for my husband - seems to drink as much as I thought they were. Said another way: my drinking wasn’t as normal as I thought.

Despite that revelation, I felt a little haughty, which will surely lead to no good. Condescending airs aren’t attractive on anyone.

I’m starting to realize, though, that whether I drink again or not, like gambling I won’t ever be able to drink again carefreely. I had a strong hint of the trouble drinking was getting me into emotionally, mentally, physically and financially prior to 32 days sober, but that hint has turned...

I already know I won’t get everything done tomorrow morning that I want to before we do our Mother’s Day entertaining.

But I also know that I won’t wake up hungover. And I also know I won’t be drunk later tomorrow afternoon, so I can continue on my to-do list then. That’s a good feeling.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I think I let him down this year. In fact, the only banner birthday I’ve given him was right as my gambling was starting to turn for the worse, when I risked more money than we could afford, but it paid off because I won a jackpot to cover the losses and pay for plane fare to take him on a trip.

I’ve been having lots of conversations with my husband in my head. They are full of accusatory statements by both of us, fueled by resentment. I feel like I got talked into a life I didn’t want, and now I’m stuck with it … all alone.

The problem is, now I don’t mind the alone, but I still don’t want the life or any of the trappings. I’ve even gone so far as to think about how we’d split up stuff and how we’d look after our dog.

I don’t know; maybe that’s normal. Do all married people think like that? Of course, I thought drinking a bottle and a half of wine each...

A busy day, but a good day. Got some resolution about a worrisome issue; only a handful more of worrisome issues to tackle. Winky face.

I’m going to plant some flowers in the garden and otherwise futz around.