I am so thankful that these past 12.5 days of not drinking have been so easy - and they have been, even as I’ve happily sailed through what I expected to be some big-time obstacles (not drinking around my husband when he’s drinking, not drinking during nice weather, not drinking when gardening, not drinking at a social engagement with lots of strangers, not drinking as a way to unwind from time with my sometimes stressful family, not drinking on a Friday, not drinking on a Saturday, not drinking on a Sunday, etc. etc. ad nauseum).

It makes me wonder if it would have always been this easy to abstain from drinking and it was simply fear that kept me in it, or if there was something molecularly different this go round - planets aligning, tides shifting, a pinch more of this or that in the atmosphere that helped.

I don’t know. But I do know that I’m awful glad that I’ve not been climbing...

Had a great Easter day with my family. Lots of laughing, gorgeous weather, my first-ever time driving a four-wheeler and even a kids vs. adults whiffle ball game. I am 3000% sure the last two wouldn’t have happened had I been drinking the night before.

I am surprised by how (relatively) comfortable I am in my skin. Also surprised by how judgmental I am, and how saucy I can be. That’s good and bad.

I saw a picture of myself taken yesterday, though, and I look so puffy and squinchy. My plus-sized step-mom brought me some of her old clothes to hand off. I don’t feel plus-sized, and I don’t think I am, but I have to remember that I can’t just mow down on candies. Of course, it’s only been 12 days so this could just be classic me wanting everything to change now! Immediately! Yesterday!

I have been drinking heavily for years. It’s probably going to take a hot minute to undo some of the...

I did not drink and I did not gamble today. I have to remember that pretty much everything else gets a pass at the moment. But I was off tonight. Fidgety. Anxious. Bored. Thinking of drinking and the slots like I haven’t in days.

I think the connection is exhaustion. I felt almost bone tired today and, yet, did I stop? Rest? Meditate? Nap? No, no, no and no.

But I did overeat. And I did overspend. I did take it too far and kept adding things to the to-do list that didn’t get done, leading to guilt. I’m wondering if a 20 minute nap isn’t the magic answer next time?

I know sleep is calling me now. Day 11 safely under wraps, but I can’t help feel I could have done better today.

Where did day 10 go? Just yesterday, it was day 9 and, right now as I type, it’s actually day 11. Day 10 flew by, but it was punctuated with seeing my folks, one of my sisters and her husband, and my nieces and nephews.

Day 10 had a light work day, strategic conversations with my boss, fitting for new glasses, hide and seek, green grass, egg dying, a long walk with the dog and planting some freesia bulbs, and sowing two kinds of lettuce seeds.

Day 10, wherever it went, was a good one. Lord, I would like them all to be so lovely, please. Thank you very much.

Not even sure why I stopped into write - was on my way to take a shower after completing some manual labor in the yard. It feels good to be accomplishing things. Maybe that’s all I wanted to say.

My sweet husband is home tonight - bonus time. Interestingly, we haven’t spent much of it together. He was indecisive about what he wanted to do. Normally, I would sit there and be indecisive with him, drinking wine and falling further down the wine hole so that when he did decide what he wanted to do (or I suggested something that sounded appealing), I was already comfortably buzzed so I would claim something like, “I don’t care what we do. I could have fun in a paper bag.”

Today, I said, “OK, I’m going to go build this thing while you figure out what you want to do,” and I did. I built a thing.

It’s really nice to have tangible evidence of being sober. Funnily, not drinking seems to be...

Double-dipping into some work time to get some home and garden stuff accomplished. I was marching up the stairs, about to cross another item off my spring cleaning list when I had a thought of, “Gawd, I can’t wait to drink tonight. Except … oh, right. I’m not drinking right now. But maybe I could just for tonight.”

I want to examine this thought. First of all, why? Thus far, NOT drinking has been pretty darn pleasant. A few flareups of emotion but not really bored or twitchy, like I thought I might be.

Second of all, I mean really WHY? Where is it coming from? The nice weather? The sense of accomplishment? I think that might be it. The feeling that, “Oh, I did a lot of things I should have done today, so now I get to kick back and drink.”

Can I not just kick back and NOT drink? Can’t I watch TV and zone out with a mug of tea or soda or Kool-Aid in my hand?

The drinking pang is...

Day 8, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, and I and feeling proud of myself, yes I am. Lord, considering I didn’t give into sloth or gluttony today, can you forgive me of my prideful ways, and could you help me through tomorrow, too?

I did, however, have a flash of anger so sharp today that - wow. It took me some place else. Not necessarily a bad thing but unexpected. It had to do with husband’s job and lunch menus and Frenchmen. I was angry in defense of someone, which I ultimately take as a good sign. My feelings are starting to un-numb.

My friend, L, said she heard on one of the Oprah folks’ shows about how when you numb, you don’t just numb the “bad” parts, you numb the good parts, too. It may sound odd, but I count that anger, that heat, as a good part, too. I can be a little acquiescing as a coping mechanism, so when I get fired up, I know it’s coming from an authentic place deep...

The “breaking up with your sponsor” search yielded a lot of “they will understand; it’s OK” along with, “Are you sure you’re not just dodging the 4th step?” (making an inventory of moral and financial wrongs, as well as our good character affects).

I don’t know that I can honestly say I’m not dodging the 4th step (I can’t honestly say that I AM, either). So, how’s this for a plan?

Complete the 4th step to the best of my ability, share my “list” with the Kindly Orthodox Jew and then re-evaluate. That way, if I still want to break up with my sponsor, I can feel sure that it’s not just about 4th step fear.

OK, good plan. Go team. Also, nearly 20 hours in day 8. Feeling good I can clock this one as a win, but I’ll check back in a few hours to confirm.

Calling and talking to my sponsor. I’ve been dreading it all day, and when I called her and she answered, it was as “bad” as I imagined. Bad is a strong word - she didn’t cuss at me or call me stupid. But she was disconnected, busy in line at the grocery store. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or not.

And I never know what I’m supposed to be doing or saying on these calls.

Will researching “breaking up with a sponsor” tonight.

I spent a lot of time covering my tracks for a number of transgressions, and I thought I was getting away with them. And maybe I was. But clearly all the card shuffling took some toll on me that I couldn’t cover up.

My boss told me today that she’s been a little worried about me – worried that there was something seriously wrong because I haven’t been myself.

No. No, I haven’t. I feel like I’m starting to get back there, but I’m no fool: There’s a long way to go.

I’m tired today. I just want to crawl back in bed and hide. Let’s face it. That’s what it’s about: hiding.

Something has shifted with my husband and me. I think it’s temporary. I hope it is. I don’t know.

Also, a secret: I think I might be pregnant. Maybe. That would explain why it’s been so easy to give up drinking. But another secret: I don’t know how I feel about it. Happy? Sad? Disbelief? I think that’s it.

It’s...