Every time I think I’m out, she keeps pulling me back in. I fully intended to break up with my sponsor today, which is about the third or fourth time I intended to do it. i was honest that I feel like I’m being her sponsee “wrong” because she likes to leave me these “you aren’t doing what you’re supposed to be doing” voicemails.

But today she told me I’m not, that I just need to call her every day. Which I hate. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate having to check in because I feel like I’m bothering her and she’s too busy to talk and I’m interrupting her. Part of that is on me and my weirdness, but part of it is her when she answers and it’s clear she’s at the grocery check out or shopping or what have you.

But, at this point anyway, she’s pulled me back in. I trust that this is the way it’s supposed to be for now.

I trust that what’ve been doing for 65 days that has kept me gamble free...

I was compelled tonight to watch a horribly sad documentary - paid $10 to rent it and everything. Then I followed it up with another one. And then another one.

56 days ago, I would have been drinking the whole time. Or maybe 96 days ago, I wouldn’t have stopped to watch it because I was gambling.

But tonight, I did. I stayed sober and I purposefully watched fucking sad documentaries full of despair and shame and guilt and remorse.

Maybe that is just who I am as a person, someone who has a certain need to also understand the sad in life. Appreciate it in the true sense of the word. I am ok with sad and grief and hard. I mean. I don’t wish it for myself or others, but when it comes, I think I navigate it better than some folks.

What does any of this mean? Hell if I know.

My sponsor called and left me one of her nastygrams. I think she forgot I was sick. It’s a sign I need to back off...

I did my fourth and fifth step last week, but I didn’t do it how my sponsor thought I should, so I’ve been struggling with how to tell her. I was considering lying. That’s some messed up shit, no?

55 days today, 55 flipping days. That is some kind of incredible, made even more incredible by the fact that I am HAPPY about that number and not resentful that I am in the midst of it.

Oh, and I passed another 60 days of not gambling, too, but I feel like that’s a bit old hat as I’ve gotten the 60-day key chain … twice. I’ll start dancing when I get to 90 days, especially because the cravings are suddenly back. Maybe “suddenly” is not the right word; they’ve been creeping in for a while.

I’m recognizing that when I want to gamble (or drink) it’s because I want to be elsewhere. Not geographically speaking necessarily (although not not geographically speaking, either), but more to the point: There are some factors in my life that I don’t feel like dealing with, so I would rather be Elsewhere, as in “not dealing with them.”

Maybe I took on too much work. Maybe I have to have an...

Thinking about the hellacious week ahead, and I already feel defeated. I’ve got a staff member on vacation, so it’s a lot of long hours and way too much freelance work on top of it. Well, at least I got the bulk of what I wanted done in the garden.

Husband’s day off, so we had people over -dear, lovely friends but I still felt a bit resentful because I have So. Much. To. Do. Plus, historically we have always gotten rip roaring when they’re in town. But they are dear and lovely and easy. And I stayed sober, nobody batted an eye.

But I did beg out early … not rudely early, like 8:45. But I was whooped from garden work and in anticipation of the week ahead.

But that’s ok. I stayed sober. 53 days. And I stayed sober yesterday, too, when I was at a pool party. I left that early, too, but I didn’t feel jealous when I heard the party raged until midnight (it started at noon). No, I felt...

There are two things I need to do tomorrow - well, at least in the spiritual sense because, as I approach 60 days gamble free and 52 days drink free tomorrow, I sense I’m slipping. And I think I can regain some foothold by being honest.

The first is that the other day, I saw my neighbor’s dog in the street. I tried to catch her to bring her home but ended up scaring her and she took off down a busy street in traffic. I couldn’t catch her but I didn’t try very hard. I want to inquire about her and see if she’s ok.

The second thing is to welcome our neighbor, who actually moved in a year ago. I kept meaning to and never did, and it makes me feel bad.

Admitting my part in these things and then trying to make it right may help reorient me because tonight, I pictured myself at a casino. And I really wanted a drink.

God, help me, please. I don’t know how or with what, but you do. Thank...

Wow, talk about a sharp turn. I feel like my skin is made of broken glass right now. I’m sharp and cutting and angry and blah and hateful.

Incidentally, I took my first stab at the 4th and 5th step. I’m not sure I did it “right” but I told the kindly Orthodox Jew all of the things that I keep returning to in my darkest moments, all of the things I feel guilty about.

Interestingly, I’ve shared all of the things at least individually in other settings with various people, but I’ve never laid them out all at once in a package. On the whole, I don’t think my list of transgressions is all that bad and I do have some very good qualities to balance out my fuck-ups.

But I don’t feel magically different. I don’t feel lighter. Instead, I feel angry and resentful and bitter and grumpy. So, either I did it wrong, or, I don’t know, GA’s not a magic cure-all. Tempted to insert a smiley face there...

This being sick sober is hard. As I typed that, I realized what a dumbass thing it sounds like but if you know what I’m talking about, then you know what I’m talking about.

It hit me out of nowhere today: feverish, light headed, short of breath, dizzy, achy, no energy. Hot, like I had sunburn, but I didn’t. Sweating like I’d run up 10 flights of stairs when I hadn’t.

It made me SO angry that my body couldn’t do what I wanted it to do (gardening) and I was relegated instead to the couch and then a cool bath,back to the couch and now finally to bed. I’m so mad I had to piss away a day to being sick and goddamn it to hell if I’m not better tomorrow. The only reason I took it easy today (ok, fuck, fine, two reasons) was that I was worried I might pass out and I have so much I need to get done tomorrow that I can’t afford to make myself worse.

It feels like a chest cold that’s fucking with...

Today, I got everything on my list done that I set out to do in the yard. But it took enacting some new behaviors that I wouldn’t have employed had I been drinking.

1. I got up early. (Despite being up late last night, I was up when I set my alarm, which would not have happened had I been hangin’.)

2. I didn’t have a beer with my chores, despite it being an exquisite day to drink and do yard work.

3. When “the party” started at our house, I wasn’t done with my tasks so I said hello and graciously excused myself to finish up while the others got going on their drinking.

4. When I felt weird or not like talking, I got up and walked away. I even took the dog for a walk for a little space. I took care of me and listened to my own needs … and no one cared (in a good way).

5. I didn’t stress out about things. I didn’t spend all day cleaning before and I let my husband and his friend clean up … and it was...

Whoa, two days away. Easy, tiger. Don’t stop doing what seems to be working.

Got home last night after a long drive. Then got back in the car today for another four-hour round trip but worth it because I saw some of my favorite gals today. Man, I’m lucky in the friend department.

And I stayed sober. Now, to be fair, I left early before things got crazy, but folks were drinking and smoking and, honestly, it was fine. But, another concession, a friend is pregnant, so I had a sober pal. But I guess don’t look a pregnant friend in the mouth.

I realized today that I can be just as bawdy and brazen sober as I can drunk, and damn it, I’m funny. I am. Probably more so sober because I can remember more.

But speaking of remembering more … I worry because I’m having trouble remembering. I hope it’s seasonal and situational, nothing more.

So very tired and a long to-do list, so adios for now.