Called my sponsor back, and she proceeded to lay into me and basically called me out for not working the program. And that’s fair; I’m not really. I’m in the program. But I feel like the program led me to find another program..

Is there really one one program? I think that’s what’s at the heart of the matter. I realize I have to actively work against and through my gambling problem. There’s no dispute there.

But is going to 4 meetings a week and calling someone each day that I don’t want to talk to the ONLY way to actively work against and through my gambling problem? No, I don’t think so.

I’m hurt and angry that her assumption is that without living and breathing GA, I’m doomed to a life of woe and defeat. I understand the point: Put as much into recovery as you did into your gambling. I am. I’m pursuing interests. I’m working to pay bills. I’m talking to friends and family. I’m...

And I’d like to say it’s because things are going to so well. In fact, I will say that. Things are going well. I’m at day 91 of no gambling - a personal best! - and day 82 of no drinking - another personal best!

But, my sponsor is disappointed in me and has suggested in a nasty gram that I’m not doing all I can to work the program. But here’s my question: what if I’m working MY program, just no their program?

See, the reason I’m too busy to get to four meetings a week is that I’m working on creative projects that I’m excited about! I’m hanging out with family and friends! I’m gardening, which brings me immense joy! I’m working on freelance work which will help us get out from under some of these debts and open up a world of opportunity for me. I’m organizing and decorating my house, which makes me immensely happy.

So, something is working. And I like going to meetings, I do. But...

I’m super proud of myself. 75 days of no drinking. Something like 82 of not gambling. I’m happier. I’m happy period. I am thinking about my future with hope.

And, yet, the message remains that it’s not enough. I can’t stop. I can’t slow up. I can’t back away from what’s working.

I hate that. My sponsor said a lot of things that hit home, like it’s not unusual for folks like us to start thinking, “I want to be normal.”

I’ve said as much myself and would like that to be true.

But then I’ve got the Kindly Orthodox Jew in my mind telling me that it’s too soon to be self-diagnosing myself with an addition.

Oh, hell. I don’t know. I reallly think my sponsor is the problem. But, am I going to look back on that statement six months from now and feel like a buffon? I don’t know.

I do know that I am beyond happy to take on some quick transcription work for an easy $100 for about three...

I’m in that spot where I feel as though things are about to change for the better, but I know it’s not quite time and I especially don’t know what the change will be - simply that it’s all going to work out for the best. My job isn’t to know; it’s to trust. And I’m doing that.

That sounded a little 12-step cliche-y, and that’s OK - that trusting and faith is piece I brough with me into GA, and it’s nice to hear it confirmed by people from all walks of life and backgrounds.

I’ve been mildly resistant toward the idea of GA lately. I keep going back to the idea that if GA is a church, I’m happy to go to my sermon on Sundays, but don’t expect me to tithe 10% of my earnings, go to Bible study on Wednesday, ladies’ luncheon and Friday nights, ice cream social on Saturday and take the mission trip in the summer. I think what I get from my Sunday sermons is enough, even if others don’t.

...

I’m at the point in this, 74 days as of this moment, where I’m so close to hitting 90 days that I don’t want anyone or anything to stand in my way. I am making selfish decisions to protect that number.

That’s good and bad, I think. Good that I’ve finally committed to this; bad that I’ve committed to a number not a deeper outcome.

I still can’t bring myself to say when, where or what my “first drink back” will be, largely because I’m still not sure there will be a first drink back. Well, that’s not true. I’m pretty sure there will be a first drink back. But what I anticipate happening is that I’m going to be so over-the-top aware that I shouldn’t be having the first drink back in the FIRST place, that I won’t be able to enjoy it.

Or, I don’t know, maybe I will. In some ways, I feel like I’m back at day one again. I’ve conceded that I can’t gamble, can’t make that first bet - not...

Am I really on the evening of 70 days sober? Because that means I’m on the evening of about 80 days gamble free, which is my longest stretch and only 10 more days to the all-mighty 90 (though there is no graduation, I know. I know. I know already, geez.)

But here’s something worrisome: My memory is terrible even sober. Apparently I wrote a post last night. I remember writing it, so that’s good. But could I tell you one golden doodle thing I wrote? No. No, sir.

I worry I’ve got Alzheimers or some such. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the ass?

But, then, I also worry I’m pregnant despite evidence or rationale.

I am just a worrisome person.

How about I just worry about stayinh sober for at least 20 more days, eh?

Things are better. Remember when I couldn’t even fathom the idea of staying sober in a hotel room? Staying sober away from home? Staying sober while eating dinner? Hell, eating...

Holy shit. I think the funk has started to break, too. I feel more familiar than I have in years.

Longer than I wanted to be away. I could cite a whole bunch of bull, but fact is I haven’t made it a priority. Still not glomming onto the GA lifestyle but I do like worshiping at the GA church. I am also so, so grateful to be 68 days sober. Holy hell.

But I read people who have a lot more time than me sober and still struggling with what to do and how to be. I’m not. But I wonder if it’s because I still have an out? This is temporary for me, at least at this point. But I continue to mull over a permanent path to not drink.

I guess I’ll get to day 90 and check out the view from there.

Mostly, I just miss being able to turn off my brain and get myself to sit. The. Fuck. Down.

I keep going and going until late into the night. Not quite manically because I do drop at some point after midnight. But also, yeah, maybe a little manically.

I don’t want to end up like my mom, ignoring the...

65 days, wow. 65 days, but I’m already imagining what caving looks like. “I made it 65 days - willingly, happily. Clearly, I don’t have a problem. Let’s drink!”

Something’s wrong with that picture. Part of it is that I’m so excited by everything right now - I’m in a totally creative phase - but so resentful of all of the work I’m obligated to. I’m trying to be grateful that I have something to keep the lights on and that affords me to buy the things I want to carry out my creativitiy. But it’s not coming easy.

I am so amazingly proud of my 65 days without a drink and 73(?) without gambling. I really am. And part of me thinks it would be best if I never drink again. But the self-destructive side really wants to, to just chill out, to make all this go away, the things I don’t want to do or deal with.

Stay here. Say here and get another 25 days at least. Because you’re going to feel like...

62 days without a drink, and 70 days without a bet. Damn. And, yet, what I find myself doing is deviating from the very thigns that helped get me to this point.

The cravings are back and powerful. Gambling dreams, rationalization that I made it 60 days without drinking so clearly I don’t have a problem, despite the fact that my life is infinitely better now and I am actually excited - if not a tiny bit manic - about thins again. Painting! Sewing! Gardening! Creating! Yes! Yes! Yes!

But the balance is gone again. No self-care. Wearing jammies all day. Haven’t been to a proper meeting in weeks. Avoiding my sponsor. Not writing daily. Not making appointments with my therapist. Not listening to meditations. So, basically, I’ve been abandoning all of the stuff that’s been working in the hopes that I’ll just magically stay sober and gamble free.

That’s not very smart. And, yet, I keep...