It’s not quite midnight but I’m closing the books on day 7. Another easy go - thank you, lord; may I have another?

But, but, but I did start to feel the first cracks. I did. I think it may be because it was a rough day at work, and I have a couple freelance projects I’m juggling and I took on too much cooking tonight. That sounds dumb, but it’s true. It may hold a key.

I’m doing an unrequested favor for some folks by making dinner for them once a week. They are stoked to get any kind of dinner, but instead of making one dish for them, I made 2 so they would have a variety. It’s the Not Enough monster at play. These folks would be happy with PB and Js and, yet, I’ve got to go 10 steps beyond where I need to.

So I cooked and cleaned for nearly 4 hours, neglecting other things. This means I’ll be a Stress Mess tomorrow as deadlines approach and I race to finish everything.

A better...

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

And you may find yourself in another part of the world

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife

And you may ask yourself, “Well… how did I get here?”

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by, water flowing underground

Into the blue again after the money’s gone

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself

How do I work this?

And you may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house!

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!

–Talking Heads, “Once in a Lifetime”

I’m not a huge Talking Heads fan but, lord, if these lyrics aren’t speaking to me right now. On the one hand, I am exceedingly happy - I...

A good meeting tonight with my “home” group, whom I had to tell about my relapse. I didn’t “have” to but I wanted to.

I feel a bit like a traitor, as some of the things the kindly Orthodox Jew has told me run directly counter to GA tenets. I guess it all goes back to: As long as it keeps you from gambling, do it.

This isn’t coming out like I planned. I had some witty words in mind, but I find I’m tired.

Oh! I know what I wanted to share! Day 6 nearly behind me, and I find my tolerance for mess is lowering. That’s a good thing.

I’m also realizing how much can get done after 7 p.m. It sounds slothful but typically after 7 p.m., I was DONE. It was me and wine and TV. Dishes not done? Work not done? Dog not walked? Don’t care; it’s 7 p.m.

Tonight, after I got back from my meeting, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor at 9:30 and changing the bed sheets at 9:45...

So far, most of my success with not drinking has come from 2 major things:

1. The counter (I’m using CleanTime Counter), more specifically looking down each day and realizing that I’ve already stayed sober for more than half the day and I really only have about 6 more hours to make the day count, and so I make it count.

2. Keeping busy. This has included gardening, popping chewy fruit candies into my mouth, playing Bejeweled on my phone, reading, flossing and yesterday I bought a puzzle.

I used to love to do puzzles as a kid/young adult. I don’t know why I got away from them. So, when I went to the Goodwill yesterday for some thrifting, I decided I’d like to get a puzzle. I found one for $1. Despite/because of the fact that it’s a Thomas Kincade print, it really is quite nice to look at - flowers and trees and, of course, the “light.”

So, along with flossing, making lists and reading...

I just ate ¾ of a pint of sea salt caramel ice cream. I’m having a hard time focusing today. Thank goodness for my to-do lists but, it should be noted that “eat ¾ of a pint of sea salt caramel ice cream” wasn’t on the list.

Yep, everything I wrote last night still rings true. Pepper that with the fact that when he did come home, he was out of it, but I felt it necessary to state that I was upset and I was sleeping in the other room. I hadn’t seen him all week, and it hurt my feelings that he stayed out all night. And then I cried, told him I wasn’t mad, but that I felt abandoned and forgotten about. I kissed him on the cheek and said we were OK, but that I needed some space and would stay in the other room.

He reacted by some kind of self-punishment of sleeping (passing) out on the couch in his clothes. He said he didn’t want to come to bed if I wasn’t there.

This. This is what he does. I get upset with a valid emotion, I share it with him and instead of letting me be with it and process it in my own way, he gets overly-remorseful and makes it about him. He does something juvenile so that I have to then...

Not in that order. I made it through day five, which happened to be a Sunday and one that was chock full of socialness, meeting new people and small talk. I may not have impressed the society pages, but I managed to introduce myself and exchange pleasantries with strangers at a Big Deal event for my sweet husband without alcohol and without looking like a bafoon.

So, why am I pissed? It’s 10:00 on a Sunday after a week where I have literally - no hyperbole - been with my husband for a total of 5 hours, not counting sleep, coming off of two previous weeks where I was away. And he’s out drinking with chums. And I was at home by myself doing his laundry. And he hasn’t called.

I feel a chasm starting between us. It’s one part his job, and, I’m going to say it even though it’s early, two parts me not drinking. If I was drinking, I’d be right there with them, wherever in the hell they are.

...

.
Well, the longest stretch in a very long time. Cruising, that’s how today felt. It might be cheating just a bit because I did avoid some social engagements and it’s 9:15 and I’m in bed. But, whatever. I didn’t drink. And it was OK.

Went to a GA meeting today. Saw my sponsor. She had a new grandbaby yesterday.

I find her very hard to communicate with. And she’s a bit domineering. I’m going to remind open minded. I don’t have to decide anything right now. She did give me a guide to the fourth step. I’m going to do it and share all my junk with the kindly Orthodox Jew.

After the meeting, I offered to give another gal a ride back to her treatment center. She then asked if we could get lunch and stop at a store first. I was momentarily peeved until I realized I was hungry anyway and the meeting ended about 45 minutes ahead of schedule. So lunch and shop we did.

Conversation with other...

In some ways, day 3 was easier than day 2. For one, I didn’t have my husband home, nor was he drinking in front of me. I did what I expected to: putzed in the yard some, took the dog for a vigorous 30 minute (actually 40 minute) walk, shopped at the discount store down the street, had a good dinner, snacked after dinner, and then followed that up with copious amounts of chewy fruit-flavored candy and mindless TV. Then a shower, flossing and now in bed, recounting the day and reading a bit before snoozeville.

Objectively speaking, a nice day. I should be so lucky to spend them all this way. That would get old, of course, so I will settle for just the first couple like this.

In the spirit of transperity, I was a touch antsy. Maybe wishing I had someone to hang with - not someone who talked a lot or didn’t want to watch the same shows on TV or who I had to share my chewy fruit-flavored...

Just got a call from my sponsor - I feel like I’ve disappointed her but, you know what? I’m not sure she knows what’s best for me at this point. I like the GA meetings, and I will continue to go, but I don’t feel a kinship or a comfort with her that I want to have with someone who’s supposed to guide me through these tricky steps.

Look, I know the best teachers in our lives typically aren’t also our best friends. I get that. But if our whole relationship is supposed to be built on the fact that I feel like I can call her at any time or talk to her about anything, well, then I really don’t feel that. I just don’t.

She wanted me to try and make a meeting tonight, but think my psyche and my well-being are going to be improved more by getting some of the items on my list done and also walking and meditating, as per the kindly Orthodox Jewish counselor.

What I’m feeling right now is not a...